enough

sometimes don't you just look at yourself and wonder what you're doing? i guess it feels more like staring straight ahead, and whatever it is you're looking at, you see a blank wall. like those kind in every suburban home, large, off-white, and barely textured with those goosbumpy-looking things. i hate it. i can't stop staring at that stupid thing sometimes. it's been a long time since i've looked at something real. i mean really real. like the thing that is actually me, that's in me, jumps up to the surface for some action. my spirit. ugh, don't you just long for it? i need to at least know it's still there. i wait in idle until i come to a place where i realize i haven't moved and i certainly haven't seen that real thing around lately. i mean there's a difference between knowing it's there, your spirit, and actually seeing it. when you commit your spirit to Jesus, not seeing it around is pretty painful. it means you're not seeing much of Him around either.

i just let myself get to these places where i recognize them so well; i know exactly how i'll feel to be there again and to be far from who i want to be, and i just sit and stare at those stupid bumps on the wall until i figure out what's happening. i have a lot of spiritually profound things to say, i really do, things that i know to be truths and things i know to be love. i just feel too stupid saying them right now. right now i just want things to be normal between the two of us, my spirit and i, my life and i. i want to sense the presence of my Glorious King, i want to be more for Him than i am. i want my life to be fulfilling His idea of it. my heart moves and sits, waiting to be what it is. i realize now that i must move, i must really move to stop this staring scheme. i don't want to stare off and wonder when i'll finally be different. i don't even enjoy that. i want to be different, for good. you know when you see those people who seem to be what you want, to know Him like you want to, to love Him like He deserves. and you think, "that's it! when i'm like them, i'll be there." i'm pretty sure that's the reason we only say things like that in our own heads; it's because it's wrong. i'm not "them". why isn't He an ultimatum alone?
i do at least want my own story. and it will be about my spirit, once again, being lifted up by His.