last days

well, last minutes, really. i'm in khartoum international airport, and i can remember few times when i felt as out-of-person as i do now. i just shook hands of 24 or so boys and staff who remain at the center with a teary-eyed "goodbye" and "thank you all". after all of this, that's what came out. what do you say to recovering street kids, still raggedy-clothed, after spending three months playing, dancing, being laughed at, then laughing with, eating, getting really frustrated with, but always loving each other? i hate that i can walk out of their lives. i wish i wasn't on that list of people. these last few days were rough, as we have been working with various entities on a decision to close the center at the end of february. it truly is the best thing for the kids right now. as the only whitey on board, and the only adult living on the center, there was a lot of dependency happening. you know, this is typical international development. we come, we give money, we give time, we let a lot of local people lean on us. then we move. and everyone falls. it's hard to teach people to stand on their own, but it has to be done to have a successful thing in your hands. me, i'm not sure i'm smart enough to know how to train folks in this way, especially with only 90 days and just a handful of local language in my mouth. but i just moved, and in doing so i think i let a lot of people fall. the person being leaned on is not necessarily of higher capability, but has simply missed the point: it's not about you. i hope the sudanese staff and i looked more like a team at the end than anything, that our over-reigning goal was and is always for the benefit of those beautiful boys. i honestly don't know what's gonna happen to some of them. all of them have somewhere to go, some relative to take care of them. but the center was their first family, and saying goodbye today made me even more foggy about all that's happened here. i'm staring at this computer screen, portruding out of the wall with its snazzy yellow backdrop, and i feel like i'm watching myself type. freedom and opportunity has transformed itself into guilt. it's kind of pathetic. i'd rather be like them, the boys, living hard but knowing what life really is, and what true goodness really is, and what true Love really is. but the fact remains that i have the choice, and in that case it changes everything i know about desiring such a life. but what i know for sure is that some part of me is new, is different, and in the afterthought of circumstance and chaos, i think it is something good.